This year’s Memorial Day’s gatherings have had to be nonexistent or very small.

So, I’m remembering with extra enjoyment a large and very special Memorial Day gathering, four years ago. In May of 2016, most of the women in my extended family converged in New Hope, PA, to attend a baby shower for my niece Erica.

During that love-filled and happy weekend, I was remembering how much I had leaned on some of these women when I had my first baby. I was thinking of how we all as mothers need the advice and support of other mothers. As a gift for Erica, I wrote the following letter, trying to pass on a little of what I had learned about being a mom. (I’ve tweaked the letter just a bit for clarity.)

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Dear Erica—

Once again, congratulations on your baby with love from both of us. Frank told me to be sure and give you a hug and tell you he knows that you are born to be a mother.

Since we’re having a baby shower for you today, I’ll give you two pieces of advice. (For how can so many women gather together for a baby shower without giving you plenty of advice?)

The first is the advice my mother gave to me when I got married, many years ago, and that she repeated when I got pregnant. She said to smile politely and to thank people for all the advice they give you, and then to put aside other people’s advice and just do what feels right for you and your baby.  (Doesn’t that sound like Grandma? J )

(So, I guess that gives you permission to completely discard any advice in this letter, if you choose!  J ) Seriously, I found Grandma’s advice so helpful because we are all so different, and every child is unique. I did learn a lot from other mothers.  But there were times I had to put aside my self-doubt when well-meaning people insisted I should do something that didn’t feel right for me. I had to learn to trust myself to know was best for me and my child.

The other piece of advice that I’d like to give is to tell you that there are no perfect mothers.  As hard as we try and as much as we want to be the best mother ever, we will inevitably screw up quite a few things along the way and make at least one big boner of the type to haunt us at 3:00 a.m. for years to come.

From experience, I can tell you that the best thing to do at times like that is to love one’s self, forgive one’s self, and move on.  I remember the time I completely blew off an Honor’s Breakfast at our middle school at which Elizabeth was given an award.  I was working from home and could easily have come. Liz had even told me that she thought it was that day, but I was completely convinced that it was the next day.

So when I discovered what I had done – too late, of course – I cried and swore and gave myself the world’s worst mother award… then pulled myself together, phoned the principal and asked him if he would give the award to Liz again in his office. I came to the school, and he called Liz out of class, and gave her the award again, and I told her I was SO SORRY… and hugged her and of course she said, “Mom’s, it’s ok,” and it was immediately over for her.

But of course, for me, it wasn’t.  I had sense enough to call Uncle Barton and Aunt Barbara and ask them to meet me for an emergency lunch.  I felt SO BAD about myself… I told them the whole thing, told them, between smiles and tears, that I felt I had just earned the world’s worst mother award and, God bless them, they just gave me love and hugs and told me everyone makes mistakes and I wasn’t the world’s worst mother, and we had a nice lunch together and I was able to let it go much more quickly.

Because, if you think about it, Erica, someday YOUR little girl will become a mother herself.  And someday, as hard as she tries, she will make some big mistake with her own child.  And then she’ll remember, well, my Mom messed up sometimes too, thank God.  And the more forgiveness and love you give to yourself at times like that, while she is watching and learning, the more she’ll be able to do that in her own life.

Much, much love to you Erica.  I wish you the joy of this sweet little bundle and this wonderful child. She will take over your life forever, and, like all of us, you will love her all the more for it.

God bless

Luann and Frank