It’s been six years since I last published a book. During that time, I kept writing. I wrote several stand-alone children’s fantasy books. I also wrote and polished a young adult fantasy trilogy called The Dragon and the Rose. This trilogy is dedicated to my daughter Shannon and based on stories I told her every day in the car, years ago, as we went back and forth to daycare.
During this waiting time I also tried to get an agent, which has not yet happened. So I’ve decided to start self-publishing again. And since having books on a shelf in the library or bookstore has been a dream of mine since I was in 3rd grade, I am eagerly anticipating publishing again.
The plan was to publish The Dragon and the Rose this year. But I underestimated the amount of work required. Since it’s been three years since I last touched the trilogy, it needs to be re-edited and touched up by me. That work has taken six months and isn’t done yet. The artist who will create the cover art won’t be able to start the project until September. And the other people helping me on this project need time to complete their portion of the work. So, it will be next year before all three volumes of The Dragon and the Rose get published.
Which actually works out better, for many reasons.
But also involves waiting.
I hate to wait, especially when I’m waiting on the fulfillment of a dream. I can wait a little while and then I’m tired of waiting. I’m afraid, of course, that if it doesn’t happen now, it won’t happen. And instead of just accepting the fear, I fall into fix-it mode. I blame myself that it’s not happening right away. I tell myself that I need to Make Something Happen.
It is hard to wait. It is even harder to trust a dream to God, especially one that’s long in coming.
I’ve been told that it’s time to grow my trust muscles. I don’t want to. I want results. Today. Or next week at the latest.
But the choice is simple. Am I going to make myself and others crazy by insisting that we change our plans and force this publication to happen now, when I myself am not even ready? Or am I going to trust God that it will happen when and if it is supposed to?
I can do what I’ve been doing lately, letting myself stew in the fear that our careful plans will never happen. Stomp my foot and think that forcing a solution now is the only way that this dream will come true. Focus on my discontent. Make myself miserable and my husband miserable, since he’s the one who has to listen to me.
Or I can surrender, pull out my spiritual exercise equipment and get to work.
Choose Acceptance. Choose Surrender. And, most of all, choose Gratitude. Use the tool of thanking God for this thing that is driving me crazy.
For there is a great deal of good in this delay, when I look. The others helping me have time to complete their work without pressure. I can finish the edit of the last book of The Dragon and the Rose and then work on another book I’ve been longing to get to. I am an ardent gardener and I can enjoy this summer in my garden, without any deadline pressures. I can enjoy my grandchildren and family and my family’s great cascade of spring and summer birthdays and birthday celebrations. I can enjoy sitting outside in the summer sun on our deck with my husband, without the pressure of deadlines.
Trust is a muscle, a friend of mine says, over and over again. So, once again, I choose to build that muscle by spiritual weightlifting. Which is a lovely pun. Because when I let go of this completely unnecessary burden that I have created for myself, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel peaceful, happy and light-hearted. I can live in the moment and enjoy this beautiful day I’ve been given.
“This or something better,” is an old prayer I pull out now, from my box of spiritual weightlifting tools. “OK God,” I say. “I really want this. I really want to publish this trilogy, in the year to come. And I’m trusting this dream to you (again) believing that you will either make it happen or, if it doesn’t, that you’ve got something better planned. And then, I’m going to let go and enjoy and participate fully in my beautiful life, today.”
This or something better.
I’m trusting You, God.
For this, or something better.